Letter to the Chief Constable

Mr Colin Cramphorn
Chief Constable
West Yorkshire Police
PO Box 9
Wakefield
WF1 3QP

6 July 2004

Dear Colin,

Following all that horrid publicity recently about me being sent to prison for refusing to contribute to your wages, it was so very kind of you to despatch one of your officers to my street today in his little car, to carry out a patrol. You can be assured that I, my wife and my neighbours are very appreciative at your concern for our welfare.

And how very clever and efficient it was for you to combine this vital public service with the delivery of a summons from Cumbria police who have quite rightly expended their valuable resources on photographing my car on the near empty M6 in broad daylight, doing a scandalous 85 mph. We are highly encouraged that this police force is getting down to tackling such serious crime, instead of wasting its time on things like burglary.

Since I was on my way to our daughter’s wedding, however, I would be ever so grateful if you could ask your mate in Cumbria to send us a copy of the snap, so we can include it in the wedding album.

And it was so very, very thoughtful of your officer to give me such a big bundle of paperwork which invited me to see the Penrith magistrates on 12 July. Penrith is such a nice place this time of year don’t you think, and I am sure the magistrates are splendid chaps. Unfortunately, I can’t attend on that day as I have the problem of having to earn my living, which of course I must do if I am to keep up my contributions to your wages.

Knowing how much you love paperwork, however, I would hate to deprive you of the bundle your officer left with me, so I am sending it to you to add to your own treasured collection. I am sure your will be able to make much better use of it than me. Excuse me for not putting a stamp on the envelope, as my more recent contributions to the police welfare fund have left me a little sort of readies.

All the very best

Yours sincerely,

Richard North (Dr)
Aka: Prisoner JW7874