Not at your service

My spies tell me that West Yorkshire Police are labouring long and hard on my case - to prove that I didn't have as many burglaries as I claim.

Give them another few days and they will doubtless have proved that I didn't have any at all, that there is in fact no crime at all in West Yorkshire and, while we are about it, that the moon is made of green cheese.

Given their undoubted forensic skills, one wonders whether they could apply the same dedication to proving that I haven't had any motoring offences either, and that the points on my license are a figment of my imagination. Now that really would be an achievement.

Meanwhile, I was talking to a farmer yesterday - another one. This one lives in the West Yorkshire area and has had the usual crop of break-ins and thefts, including a Land Rover stolen from outside his front door.

The police contribution to this incident was to send him a speeding ticket, as the stolen vehicle was picked up by a camera as the thieves sped away from the scene. Needless to say, the Land Rover was never seen again.

Sick to the teeth of the usual tardy Police response to reports of crime, however, he has hit on an ingenious solution. Hearing what sounded like an intruder on his land recently, during the dead of night, he rang the police.

This time, though, instead of just reporting a potential thief, he reminded the police that he had a lot of badger setts on this land, and he had heard what sounded like digging. He feared that the intruders might be trying to capture a badger for baiting.

Instead of the routine patrol dropping by a few days later, our farmer was gratified to find that within the hour - so he reports - he had a fleet of police cars on his land, no less than twelve officers, with dogs, and the police helicopter hovering overhead.

Given its dedication to the cause of truth, however, no doubt West Yorkshire will be able to prove that this incident never happened, and it was all a figment of the farmer's imagination.

Next time though, he might get an even better response if he reports that he has seen a couple of bats being molested. That should bring the whole force out - after all "bat crime" is one of those policing priorities that simply cannot be taken too seriously.